Zero ounces to freedom

Scientists have identified the No. 1 virus that infects San Diegans. It’s not AIDS, nor herpes, nor whatever fecal particle that has a history of sneaking into Jack in the Box’s tasty burgers.

The scientific nomenclature of the leading virus is called Santerium Sublimum—commonly referred to on “the streets” as Sublime. There are many negative ways the virus affects its victims, including, but not limited to, wearing “wife beater” tank-tops, driving large trucks, referring to strangers as “bro” and becoming the only known humans with the ability to smoke marijuana prior to getting in a bar fight.